Tim Horton's Cup Size Survey.

So.

Tim Horton's recently changed their hot beverage cup size names. In order to incorporate a new, largest yet size, they called it Extra Large - despite already having a size with that name. To compensate, they demoted the name of each size below it down one, and created a new name for the small, which is now "Extra Small."

Yeah, you read that right. They introduced a new cup size of gigantic proportions, and the new name that they came up with to add to their cup size lineup was "Extra Small." Staggeringly brilliant, I know.

Anyway, they have this lovely little online survey at www.timhortons.com/cupsizesurvey, where they ask a number of multiple-choice questions about customer perceptions of their new cup size lineup, such as why do we think they did it, will it cause us to order differently, and did their staff and marketing do an adequate job of informing and preparing the public for the change.

Of course, the multiple-choice options for answering all these questions are unsurprisingly leading - like when the Harper government stuffs your mailbox with one of those stupid "help us decide on policy" propaganda pieces where they ask about something like crime and the checkbox options are "please be tougher on crime;" "don't put anymore effort into crime prevention and justice programs because I like to feel unsafe 24/7;" and "I am a criminal myself" - so there was little opportunity to really let the Horton's folks know how I felt...

Until the comments section right near the end of the survey, that is.

"Do you have any additional comments regarding the hot beverage cup name changes and/or the addition of the new Extra Large cup?" they said.

I said:

"The change in the names of the hot beverage sizes at Tim Horton's clearly indicates to me that someone in your marketing department fell off their chair during morning nap time at their desk, causing their two solitary brain cells to jostle together, creating a sensation that may have felt like a thought.

It wasn't, but you guys ran with it anyway.

How incredibly stupid was it to change all the cup size names just to introduce a new, larger size? Massively incredibly stupid. That's how stupid.

At no point did you consider just leaving things as they were, and coming up with a new name for the newest size? Was such a simple, easy thought (which to date, every single person, farm animal and family dog that I have put the question to has said would have been the most straightforward and best thing to do) too hard for you folks to come up with?

Well, I understand - it can be that way sometimes in marketing: spending too much time trying to think clever instead of just thinking smart causes the simply-best ideas to be left unthunk in boardrooms across the world.

So as someone with a background in marketing communications, and who has made good money as a marketing consultant, I'm going to lend you my expertise - free of charge! - and suggest some for you. Please feel free to use any one that you like!

The new size could be called:

Extra Extra Large;
Double Extra Large;
Triple Large;
Super Large;
Awesomely Large;
The Hat Trick;
or:
Starbucky.

There. Now there's no need to put a nation through the most confusing and unnecessary change in weights and measures since the metric system.

Unless, of course, it was the plan all along to come up with a way to take advantage of your customers' deeply-ingrained ordering habits and trick them into paying more (and receiving more than they want) simply as a result of saying the cup size they have always said when they place their order.

Of course, something that nefarious would be evidence of a third brain cell, and that many brain cells at your corporate level seems so unlikely that we can probably dismiss the notion as unfounded negative speculation, right?

Right?

Anyway, I guess the only other question I have is which of your marketing geniuses thought it would be a fine idea to name this survey the "Cup Size Survey?"

For the record, I'm about a 44" A, but I have manboobs.

I sincerely hope that nothing I have said here has hurt my chances of winning the free coffee for a year."

If nothing else, I feel better now.